Hey friends, readers, lurkers, stalkers and all passing by. I just wanted to let you know my buddy Danny is doing this very thing as well. I can’t believe I’m on #6 already, which will be posted in a few hours, but he is following suite in this series as well. He got started a tad late, but its all good 
He’s got some good stuff over there so check it out. Maybe when I run out of idea’s in the next couple days he’ll still be going strong . Thanks for stopping by
-Chris
I guess this one kinda goes along with the past two posts as well in the fact that I struggle with reading. Reading the Bible. I’ve always been taught or encouraged to read, read in a way that was more of a habit, bound by time and a specific way of handling the scripture. I think it was done this way to form some sort of structure, but did little to appreciate…or um love the fact that it was God’s word given to me, and this is something that I should want to do, something that I wanted to interact with. Not in some sort of magical sense that it would make my day better, in a way it does provides a nurishment for our soul, but it doesn’t necessarily make our day to day life better. I’m also very cautious to determine my relationship with God on the factor of how much I am reading my Bible (you know that little quiet time, usually 15 minutes we try to squeeze in before going to bed, or some other distracting time). I think this is a very unhealthy approach and causes me to rely more on what I know, or what I “obtained” or “get out of it”, rather the relationship that I have with God himself. We make it a idol and can control the bible, so that it behaves on our terms. We get what we want.
There seems to be a disconnect in the fact that I miss that it’s God’s word written. It is His self expression. It’s His way of conveying to us who He is. This is how we learn who God is, this is how we relate and have fellowship with God.
I think there is some correlation with meditating on God’s word and trusting in the Lord. There is a relational aspect to the scripture. In Psalms 1 and Jeremiah 17 there is a correlation between the exchange of this meditation and trusting. We are commanded to meditate on the Law of the Lord. It’s there to trust in the God of who’s scripture it was.
I don’t know about you, but I struggle with this. I’m not quite sure how this looks. Honestly I guess, the relationship was really never demonstrated to me growing up. It was not really something that ‘clicked’. Maybe it was just me, cause I tend to not grasp things like this at times.
I struggle with reading the bible on a regular basis, even at all, a lot of times. Sadly its not a priority, and I’m kinda scared to make it into one in fear that I will just make it a habit and reduce my relationship to one that is measured by time, and amount.
This one is going to be short probably. But this one is a struggle for me.
A lot of times I say ” I’ll pray for you ” or ” I’ll pray about this or that ” – and usually what happens is I end up lying. I don’t know about you, but I end up not praying at all, this bugs me. I feel so foolish and such a fake. Sadly my prayer life goes beyond this with not much praying at all. Some major life changes are happening for me in the next few months, and well, I really haven’t even sat down once and spent any time praying about it. Not to any great extent anyway. I’m not sure I quite understand my problem with this other than the primary issue of my post just below this one. A lot of times I feel I make pray a desperation thing. “God fix this cause I screwed up.”, “help with this, cause I really don’t know what I am doing.”, “Lord I need money cause I bought stuff/went out to eat to much, would you provide?”. Well you get the idea. Some of these prayers aren’t always bad, but for me I make them more of a habit, a “quick fix” prayer for my current situation.
I think of a relationship between two people. Say a wife and husband. In order to know whats going on in each others life, to work our problems, to say you need help, to clearly communicate. Both need to be in constant communication.
I think this is how my conversations with God should be. Paul in Philippians says to pray without ceasing. How many of us can really say that we do that. What does that look like? I sure am not doing it. What things do we need to “sacrifice” or toss aside that would get us to this point. This is what I struggle with. I seriously suck at praying.
Actually.
I’m quite obsessed with all the wrong things.
I’ve halted my normal reads, that I have yet to finish, to read a book called “Crazy Love :: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God” – by Francis Chan. It’s a really simple read. Its also a hardcore deep cutting book of self evaluation. It has simply ripped me open and shown me how selfish I really am. I am a creature of comforts and I want my nice, happy god to work for me. I want to hold him in clenched fist, and control him and tell him what to do, and how to do it. This isn’t really God. I have simply created something in my mind, that allows me to be my own god.
Chan talks through and teaches scripture that allows oneself to evaluate our status of cold, lukewarm or hot in our love for Christ. To be a lukewarm Christian is a oxymoron. You are all or you are nothing.
I really don’t/didn’t want to look at myself through this lens. The very things I am “fighting” for, I am living in my own life. I don’t want to be a half hearted, doing what I need to get by, thinking what I am doing makes me a good guy in God’s eyes type of Christian. I’m disgusted with myself, that we even think that our relationship with God is driven to perform in this give and take idea. Maybe it isn’t for you, but it is for me this way..if I just read the bible just a little bit more, if I can stay awake a little bit longer so I can pray a little bit longer. If I could just lay one more tract in the bathroom stall, I’ll get my reward for sharing the gospel, and maybe for someone getting saved. If I could just stop swearing, or drinking to much. I got to perform for my boss, my coworkers, my friends, my family, yet, I realize I’m that guy. I live driven to do just that, perform, to just get by, to be loved, and yet remain distracted by life and these duties of the faith. Distracted, perhaps… but consumed is a bit more plausible idea to this situation. I am lukewarm to the core. Does a relationship based on Grace and Love really work this way?
In the last few chapters Chan talks about giving away all of us, living our best life later, we have a choice to give God our leftovers or run in reckless abandonment towards Christ, forsaking all that this world has to offer.
I’m obsessed with the wrong things, I often get caught up in the trappings and the shiny things of this world. My life is a poor reflection of my love towards Christ. I am honestly scared to even pursue this. I am scared of what is required of my life. How shameful of me, when Christ gave His all, for mine.
A person who is obsessed is characterized by committed, settled, passionate love for God, above and before every other thing and every other being.
Am I obsessed?
Sometimes it hurts too much to peel back the layers and feel what’s under there. Yet what we’re not healing is hurting us somehow. I believe that the more I share my life and process honestly, the more I can heal, and, in turn, help others to heal. -Sark
(ht: thelongbrake dot com)
Well, technically I am, but it seems that I get a lot of web access from the great state of Texas. It also turns out that there was a rather popular radio dj who happens to have the same name as me. From what I can tell his show or program has been removed from the Houston radio waves and people have been trying to find him ever since. A few years back I received a email commenting on my old website and said that they stumbled across the site looking for a old radio dj. Well sorry folks, I’m not him. You can read about it here and here. (I believe that is who everyone looks for). I’m also not a professional athlete in case you were wondering.
Well I suppose this begs the question, who am I? Well I can’t say that I’m famous, popular, or anything along those lines. I’m a pretty typical guy I suppose. I currently reside in the great (humid in the summer, and drab in the winter) state of PA. I do like it here really, but I do favor spring and fall, even though that seems to be when my allergies act up the most. I am currently a self taught graphic designer/photographer/IT guy at a local photography studio for a few more weeks (more on that later). I am a Mac guy and love using computers, I also love music. I listen to a wide range of stuff from Nickelcreek to Underoath, and enjoy many genre’s, and typically like the unpopular bands of music. I also enjoy reading. I also have an unusual interest in church leadership, structure, and operations, even though I am not a pastor. I guess I also have a bit in regular business and leadership interests as well.
I guess I just blurted some things out there, randomly, but I hope that through reading this blog you will understand about who I am and what I’m about. Of course, feel free to ask anything.
But I think the biggest thing is this, my relationship with Jesus Christ. This is one thing I care about the most, and I tend to not care about much. Well its not that I don’t care, I tend to be passive about things. But honestly, this is probably my biggest struggle too. The grace of God has been and will be enough, and sufficient for me. What questions, or things do you want to know about me? Feel free to ask. I hope as I post more this month, I will maybe answer some of your questions.
Today marks the one year point since I left my church of 23 years. I still attend a church, it’s just not this one in particular. Don’t get me wrong, its not a time of celebration, I’m not breaking out the champagne or the noise makers – though that’s a good idea, maybe, just kidding. But I got to thinking about this the past couple weeks. It’s interesting the perspective I’ve gained and how God has shaped and moved me since last year.
I stepped away from being heavily involved in a few ministries…because of this I got to see some of the inner workings of this particular church. A lot of frustration and discouragement was developed on my end and I feel I even got burnt out to some extent (a sad thing at 26 years old too). Enough was enough, and I walked away. This was a hard moment in my life, so many friendships, so many memories, to many people I loved their (particularly the youth that I was involved with). Sadly you get to see what your relationships where really based on (did they really go beyond the church?).
While I am still dealing with my feelings, emotions, and struggles even now, a year later, I believe God is restoring me and healing me into the man He wants me to be. Its been a long road, and I know it will continue to be. It’s been hard to deal with the thoughts and emotions of those who I felt hurt me and let me down. It’s hard to forgive them. And I am not sure I am quite to the point that I can say “I forgive”. I know we are not suppose to follow men, ultimately it is God and only God we are to follow, but I believe God places people in our lives that He has enabled to lead others into a closer relationship with Christ. It’s not a position that is to be held on a pedestal or some thought of higher ranking, but of one that should be of utmost humility and servant hood, this goes for any church. To some level we are to follow others as they follow Christ, but this simply does not extend to the people we pay. Its men and women alike in the church, those who have gone before us, so those after us, will carry on the love of God, and neighbor. Pastors are like shepard’s of the flock, they are to make sure all the sheep make their way, the best they know how and to the best of their ability, they are the ones paid by the church, to equip those who are not, to have the greatest impact.
So I turn my head and look back as I continue forward and I see a few transforming moments in my life this past year that I believe has drawn me closer to God. I think God has used this certain point in my life to work on me. Not the things I initially raised concern about, or was frustrated about. While I still have a deep burden for those things to change (in regards to the church) I feel God was wanting to change me, and could only do so with me moving out of where I was. Through various teachings and scripture I have been repainted a picture of what my faith should look like. One that is of adoption, forgiveness and freedom in God’s kingdom. That I can not be turned away, or disavowed, that my faith is not based on merit or performance or how much I pray or read the bible. That I can and should live in such a way that there is freedom in who I am, to not feel like because I’m sinning because of a man made rule. The book of Ephesians, Galatians and Romans have been particularly instrumental during this change in reshaping my heart and understanding who I am, and how Christ views me. I have some great friends and family that have come along side me, challenged me and helped move me beyond where I was at and am forever grateful. While I have not stepped into ministry or any sort since leaving, I am thankful for the new people I have meet, the fellowship and the interaction I have had with them.
Perhaps I am searching for more, perhaps I’m not quite where I’d like to be. Not comfortable or settling for mediocrity, but in authentic relationships and fellowship with other believers that will challenge me, make me think, pull me out of my perceived ideas about God and show me something about God that I have never seen before. As awkward as this sounds…I’m glad I left my church.
I’ll try to share some more thoughts and more specific area’s God has changed me…during this blog series.
In light of my last post, Venice is Sinking, I have been toying with a idea that I’m considering for a month long blog series in June. If you can pray that God would give wisdom and direction regarding this it would be awesome. I am going to try to see if I can get a few other bloggers on with this idea and see if I can get the ball rolling on a small movement of pursuing authenticity, honesty, and transparency with whomever would happen to stumble on to these blogs. Thanks for praying and look forward to possible sharing more about that soon.
…is a song that I first heard a couple of weeks ago by one of my favorite music artist Ross King at Gravity Bookstore. This song hit me hard, and has been wracking my brain thinking about it ever since. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a bad song or anything like that. It’s just got me thinking about a lot.
This is what I’ve been thinking about. The song talks about a problem. The problem is that Venice is sinking due to the fact that they have no way of handling their sewer and refuge. They simply feed it into the waterways of the city. The water rises, so do the sidewalks. You eventually get to the point where the sidewalks are higher than the door ways and you have to walk down into your house, but eventually the water is going to rise to high.
How true is this of our own lives? Our families? The churches we attend? The places we work?
We just would rather shove off the problems and just dump them to the side and move on. To often we don’t deal with the things that are eventually going to come back and cause problems. I’ve been in and have seen churches where they’d rather bag up a problem, skirt around it, and dump it off and hope it goes away. They don’t deal with the fact that people are human, we’re a corrupt being, marked by sin. We think if people are in a church, they should be super human or something like that. They shouldn’t have any problems. And often were to afraid to admit they’re are ones. We pretend and hide. I’m not saying this is the case for every church. This is what I know. This is what I have seen. My concern is that as a body of believers we’d rather save face, rather than “damage or hurt” our reputation when there is failure, when there is struggle, when things aren’t going quite like they should be. Saving face ends up kicking you in the teeth anyway.
Personally – I’m sick of building my sidewalks up time after time. I’m sick of shoving my trash and garbage under the carpet. I’m tired of trying to do this on my own anymore. I’m hungry and want others to have the same passion. I think were called to be the body of Christ. My problems should be others problems (not in a burden-some way). We shouldn’t shy away, we shouldn’t turn our back, or sit there and talk about people when there not present because they’re not reaching your standard. There not perfect and neither are you. I want to live a life that is as open and authentic as possible. Its been a long road and will continue to be one till the day I die. I just pray I don’t become apathetic and cold to what I believe is to be true.
Here is the song lyrics and a short explanation…
Inspired by my trip to Italy in summer ’99. After spending time in Venice, some dark and obvious symbolisms were revealed. To better understand, you’d have to know more about Venice. It’s scary how much their problems are symbolic of our culture. Just think about it: they don’t have a proper sewer system, so they dump all their garbage and refuse into the water surrounding them. And now they’re sinking into it. When the water gets to high, they simply raise the sidewalks. Sound familiar? I could write a book on this, but it probably wouldn’t be any good.
Papa got the business back in 1953
He took it on when my grandfather drowned
35 years later it was passed along to me
Now I make the rounds
Wealthy and American is mostly who I take
Smile and tell the story for a price
You might be surprised how much a gondolier can make
Giving tourist rides
They float the waters, hear the history
They never have to fear what lies beneath
But as for me, I’m wondering quietly…If Venice is sinking, how can we believe we’ll all be fine
If Venice is sinking, how can we believe we all stay dry
‘Cause I have been thinking, this water’s not worth drinking
so if Venice is sinking, then trouble’s on the riseCenturies of living like the kings we should have been
And never having slaves to clean our mess
And still the water rises, so we raise the ground againIn our ignorance
Sometime they will ask about the garbage and the smell
‘Cause they don’t understand the way it works
To tell the truth it’s been so long that I can never tell
If it’s getting worse
We’re rich in romance and in poetry
But we have a sewer running in our streets
I wonder which will be our greater legacyA city built on dreams, and a million giant beams
But reality, it seems is getting closer, and rising higher
And I still wonder©2002 Ross King
Venice is Sinking
Words by Ross King
Music by Ross King and Kevin Smith
It seems that I just have a hard time letting some things go. If you’ve read my post about forgiveness (see below a few posts), this is some of what I am talking about. I have a hard time grasping onto the reality that my thoughts, frustrations, bitterness, anger, etc can be forgiven by God, and when it comes to forgiving others. I’m not so sure if I really have..when I still have these feelings and thoughts.
To me its like I’m trying to climb a greased rope and making my way to the top. This analogy hits home cause I was never really good at shimming up ropes, tree’s, poles, etc. It’s not that I don’t believe I can be forgiven…it’s just hard for me to realize the reality of it, thinking I don’t deserve it, and to some extent having resentment towards it. I guess, perhaps, through my experience with others its been really hard to experience grace, love, forgiveness. This is not to blame others. But I think we get pre-conceived ideas through interactions with the way others treat us. If they do it this way…”does God view me the same way?”, is something I often ask myself.
