Confession #13: Need some help?

I’m trying not to be boastful or prideful, but I enjoy (not even sure that is the correct word) listening to people. What do I mean by listen?  I desire to help people, I like to listen to the things about their life, struggles, victories, challenges, weakeness, etc.  This is who I am.  I desire to have a sincere heart to be able to help people where there at.

But the problem is… a lot of times I don’t feel I have the experience, I feel unqualified, or have the ability to help. I struggle with this. I want to ask pointed questions sometimes, but I don’t out of fear I won’t be able to offer some advice or encouragement.

People have even come to me for advice or whatever and I don’t feel confident in what I tell them, or I just feel speechless and unsure what to tell them.  I struggle with that.  

I’ve spent about 7 years in youth ministry as a adult leader and small group leader.  This was a constant struggle to be able to give wisdom and advice, particularly towards the bible questions, etc.  All I know God’s grace is sufficient and there had been times that I know it’s not me, but the Holy Spirit speaking through me. I hope I’ve encouraged or given good advice, that is my prayer anyway.

Hope that makes sense and doesn’t sound to selfish.  I should have been in bed hours ago, but needed to get this done (but this is set to release later ). 

Confession #12: Cardboard Testimony

I’m kinda taking a break on this series for the day. I was going to write something else last night, but a tweet came across twitter and I think I’d rather share the link that was in the tweet rather than what I had planned.

I follow Jason Powell’s blog and twitter. Jason Powell is the Information Technology Director at Granger Community Church. Since I have a interest in technology and the way churches use it. I follow his blog to see how Granger is using these tools. Tonight he tweeted a link to this video from Hillside Christian Church in Amarillo, TX, the video comes in via this blog.

Not quite sure the how this worked into the message, but is powerful enough in and of itself. The video is a bit short, but from what I can gather, its people sharing basically a short description of who they were before Christ, and a short description of who you are after written on the front and back of a piece of cardboard. In this time of ‘laying it all out on the table’, I thought this would be great to share with you all. Be warned, your eyes may leak.

Mine would be:

front: slaved to sin, performed to be saved & accepted.
back: adopted, forgiven, justified, changing, grace given!

What would your cardboard testimony be?

Confession #10: Lonely

I’ll be honesty I don’t feel like writing this right now.  I feel like I am running out of steam.  I’m tired.  Its been pretty hot and humid and the heat has just been sucking the energy out of me.  But I am going to give it a shot anyway.

One thing I struggle with almost constantly is feeling lonely.  I guess sometimes I don’t mind it.  It helps me think through things, look at life, circumstances and such. In these moments I get to listen and read a bit that gives great input.  By the weakness to this is that I don’t get to allow things to flow back out and bounce thoughts and idea’s off others (in most circumstances).  But it gets old quite a bit.  I do a good bit on my own actually, go out to eat, hang out at different places, go home and kinda just spend time to myself.

If you know me, or have spent much time around me at all, you know that I am not really a go getter when it comes to starting conversations, or taking the initiative interact with others, etc.  Usually when I am comfortable with that person will I be more open.  Its a security thing.

The other thing is, even when I hang out with people I feel the same way.  There are often times when I am hanging out with groups of people and I often feel like the odd man out.  I can remember times back in high school too where I would just sit in the gym after a concert or school event, in a area full of people and feel completely alone and isolated. I could stand still and time would just past by, no one notice.

I write this not as a pity party or a sympathy note to myself.  I just find this as a pretty big weakness in who I am.  I don’t think my reserve personality will dissipate, in fact I hope it doesn’t, but I know there are area’s that I need and can grow in that would change perspectives, etc.  I guess I’ve become comfortable in allowing myself to slump into this and have become lazy.  God’s grace and the ability to change me through the Holy Spirit is what I need to allow Him to change me and become the person He wants me to be. I think it will be a bit of a struggle.  But I pray God’s grace be sufficient.

I am blessed that my best friend,  Jeremy is a tremendous song writer.  His song’s, even though I’m pretty sure weren’t written from any influence I have had at the time of writing, have spoken volumes to my heart and have encouraged me.  (I just need to get him to record these songs so I can listen to them on a more regular basis. ).

He wrote a song called Alone. Here is the lyrics.

Life is like this seems to tired to be so lonely
skies fall short of finding
skies do you hold the answers?
who holds you together?
when i feel alone, i don’t have to be alone
when i feel afraid, i don’t have to fear anymore…
lonely man, hurting ones, there are arms to hold you
love, to whole you
strength to keep you going
and a home to go when you’re going

Hope that is at least some sort of encouragement for you.

Confession #8: Selfishness, Security, and Sacrifice

I am occasionally encouraged by my folks to start saving for the future, to have a plan for emergencies, etc. While this is great. I simply have not done anything about it. My current job hasn’t allowed itself to do so. My savings has been pretty minimal. Yet, I remain pretty selfish. I get what I want. A lot of times its something that is fleeting. Something I really could do without. I really don’t need to be more comfortable, but this is how I was taught. Not necessarily from my parents, in fact, I think there’s been little influence from them. But its from the culture around me. I’ve fallen for the consumer trap of marketing that drives me to think I need and want something. I really don’t need it. But I want it just because its so “cool, hip and popular”. Somehow I think its important to have a lot of money saved, so when I don’t have a job, or I’m old..I’ll be safe. I’ll be comfortable. I’ll have security.

Then Francis Chan (yea I know I sound like a broken record with him, but he’s got some great stuff to say) wrote something on his blog a few days that really hit me hard. First, watch this video:

This is what he said:

why is my life more valuable than this baby’s? Someone asked me recently why I don’t save money for emergencies, or retirement. My answer was how can I justify saving for myself “just in case” something happens to me when something IS happening to so many already. 29,000 kids will die today of preventable causes. If I’m to love my neighbor AS myself, why spend so much time worrying about me?

I re watched the video and found myself fighting back the tears. Gosh, I don’t deserve most of the stuff I have. Heck, I don’t need half of the stuff I have. I don’t need the latest music CD, book, or gadget. I don’t need it! Plain and simple.

Since finishing up Crazy Love, I’ve been really challenging myself on ways I can help people. Honestly I’m struggling myself. But that is no excuse. Over this past week I have had two opportunities to give and help people. I don’t say this to be boastful about it, but it reminds me, how can I be more proactive in helping my neighbor rather than helping my self be the creature of comfort I’ve been trained to be, and want to be? I can’t take what I save. Holding dear to this comfort weakens our faith in God and his ability to provide. Does he not know the hairs on your head? the grains of sand on the shore? And yet we want it our way, we want our security blanket and our comfort. I’m not so sure He’s called us to live this way…

Luke 12:22-26

“And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say to you, do not worry about yourlife, as towhat you will eat; nor for your body, as towhat you will put on.”

“For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.”

“Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds!”

“And which of you by worrying can add a singlehour to his life’s span?”

“If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?”

Confession #7: Sharing what I believe

This might be trivial from your view point. But this is something I struggle with. Its a two fold problem really.

First I find it awkward to work this into conversation, sharing the Gospel that is. If you know me, I’m pretty reserved and quiet. I like observing, and coming away with thoughts. There usually negative ones on how I don’t want to be like that particular person or situation. I can’t say I have the gift of gab, and when I do, its a rarity. I have gotten better I think in this ‘weakness’, but I still have room to grow and improve. Often I feel there are times I really don’t have a opportunity to work in sharing the gospel. I guess a lot of times I don’t ask for it either (which probably is the problem). When I have had the opportunity to share, its been awesome and those few times I remember clearly. I also seem to hang out with “people who believe” a lot too. I currently work for a believer owned company (very few employees), I go to church, all my friends go to church, and don’t have much interaction outside of that. Which – totally is my fault – I could do better. But I feel I can improve all around in this area.

Second, I struggle with people who I over hear, or speak to me and are like “Oh I just got to witness to this guy or this girl” or “I witnessed to so and so this morning”, etc. Like there mouth is pouring out only the gospel when they speak to people.

Thats really not me. Its not who I am. I’d rather be the guy in the background, providing the support in to those presenting the gospel. In some sense I feel guilt, shame and laziness when I hear these testimonies. These are probably fair feelings.

Something stuck with me this past Sunday that Pastor Chris, from Mt. View Chapel, was speaking on. He was speaking on God’s grace covering beyond what we can comprehend or understand in His ability to save people (babies that die at birth, mentally retarded people, etc). We think either God is or isn’t capable of saving these people, and we come up with silly idea’s thinking we’ve got it figured out. Later in the message He used an example from the new movie Prince Caspian. There is a character who does not believe Aslan the lion exsists and thinks that he is simply a myth. At the end of the movie Aslan shows up, and one of the children says to this particular character “Do you see him now?”, Wow.

So often I think were driven to make converts. Were driven to make sure people got their ticket, so they can hang with us in Heaven. All we really should be doing is showing Christ. Sharing is all we can do, We plant, God grows and changes hearts. God then gives us the ability to come alongside and disciple these people and help them grow into who they are in Christ (which a lot of times we drop the ball on.)

For me this provides some comfort to my soul knowing that I don’t have to be this super hero, gospel sharing, bible carrying guy, I don’t have to live up to this expectation. I think the most effective way is to be who God has made us, each has our own gifts, abilities and talents. You might be the A/V guy, janitor, sunday school teacher, pastor, the lawyer, the school teacher, police officer, etc – each role is equally important in the kingdom of God – this is the church, this is what were supposed to be, and what were supposed to do. I want to be sure that where I am at, and the abilities I’ve been given are SHOWING Christ to the people that I come in contact with, asking and being aware of opportunities that God has given me.

Confession #5: Reading

I guess this one kinda goes along with the past two posts as well in the fact that I struggle with reading.  Reading the Bible.  I’ve always been taught or encouraged to read, read in a way that was more of a habit, bound by time and a specific way of handling the scripture.  I think it was done this way to form some sort of structure, but did little to appreciate…or um love the fact that it was God’s word given to me, and this is something that I should want to do, something that I wanted to interact with.  Not in some sort of magical sense that it would make my day better, in a way it does provides a nurishment for our soul, but it doesn’t necessarily make our day to day life better.  I’m also very cautious to determine my relationship with God on the  factor of how much I am reading my Bible (you know that little quiet time, usually 15 minutes we try to squeeze in before going to bed, or some other distracting time).  I think this is a very unhealthy approach and causes me to rely more on what I know, or what I “obtained” or “get out of it”, rather the relationship that I have with God himself.  We make it a idol and can control the bible, so that it behaves on our terms. We get what we want.

There seems to be a disconnect in the fact that I miss that it’s God’s word written.  It is His self expression.  It’s His way of conveying to us who He is.  This is how we learn who God is, this is how we relate and have fellowship with God.

I think there is some correlation with meditating on God’s word and trusting in the Lord.  There is a relational aspect to the scripture. In Psalms 1 and Jeremiah 17  there is a correlation between the exchange of this meditation and trusting.  We are commanded to meditate on the Law of the Lord.  It’s there to trust in the God of who’s scripture it was.

I don’t know about you, but I struggle with this.  I’m not quite sure how this looks.  Honestly I guess, the relationship was really never demonstrated to me growing up.  It was not really something that ‘clicked’.  Maybe it was just me, cause I tend to not grasp things like this at times.

I struggle with reading the bible on a regular basis, even at all,  a lot of times.  Sadly its not a priority, and I’m kinda scared to make it into one in fear that I will just make it a habit and reduce my relationship to one that is measured by time, and amount.

Confession #4: Prayer

This one is going to be short probably.  But this one is a struggle for me.

A lot of times I say ” I’ll pray for you ” or ” I’ll pray about this or that ” – and usually what happens is I end up lying.   I don’t know about you, but I end up not praying at all, this bugs me.  I feel so foolish and such a fake.  Sadly my prayer life goes beyond this with not much praying at all.  Some major life changes are happening for me in the next few months, and well, I really haven’t even sat down once and spent any time praying about it.  Not to any great extent anyway. I’m not sure I quite understand my problem with this other than the primary issue of my post just below this one.  A lot of times I feel I make pray a desperation thing.  “God fix this cause I screwed up.”,  “help with this, cause I really  don’t know what I am doing.”, “Lord I need money cause I bought stuff/went out to eat to much, would you provide?”.  Well you get the idea.  Some of these prayers aren’t always bad, but for me I make them more of a habit, a “quick fix” prayer for my current situation.

I think of a relationship between two people. Say a wife and husband.  In order to know whats going on in each others life, to work our problems, to say you need help, to clearly communicate.  Both need to be in constant communication.

I think this is how my conversations with God should be.  Paul in Philippians says to pray without ceasing.  How many of us can really say that we do that.  What does that look like? I sure am not doing it. What things do we need to “sacrifice” or toss aside that would get us to this point.  This is what I struggle with.  I seriously suck at praying.

peels and layers

Sometimes it hurts too much to peel back the layers and feel what’s under there. Yet what we’re not healing is hurting us somehow. I believe that the more I share my life and process honestly, the more I can heal, and, in turn, help others to heal. -Sark

(ht: thelongbrake dot com)

What’s on my heart…

Hey all,
Its been a while since I really have posted anything at all. Life has been kicking my butt in the area of work and trying to have somewhat of a social life as well, so thus the lack of blogging. Its not that I don’t have much to write about, in fact I have been tossing some idea’s around, its just that I haven’t had much time to develop them and post.

A few posts back I mentioned about some sort of blogging series for June. Well I ran the idea by a friend just to make sure it was a legit idea and he thought it was a good thing to do. I believe he is going to join me in this venture, and if you blog, I encourage you to consider doing so as well.

Anyway my idea is this, I would be doing sort of a confessional of sorts where I will share some thoughts that have been on my heart. All of it will be Raw and honest thoughts from my heart, some will hopefully be funny, but hopefully open some thoughts of discussion. I was thinking of doing a 30 day thing, I’ll try to do my best, but I have about half that at the moment. This idea was inspired from this post and got me thinking in my own head about things I don’t get, feel convicted about, area’s I need changed or improved. This is something to lay some things out, that are on my heart. This is not something I want to be cliché about. I think life lacks authenticity. It lacks people showing and sharing realness. To often we hide behind our weakness’s, our failures and struggles. We pretend, we lash out, we hide.

So starting June 1st be looking for this series to start. I’ll try to post other things in between as well.

You acting crazy fool..you need to act like this…

Today I came across a post by a blogger I follow who is the Director of Communications at Park Community Church in Chicago, Illinois.  The post is actually a repost from this blog.  The context of the original post is discussing some of the happenings in California over the issue of same sex marriages.  In the original post this thought was made.

Christians should not expect non-Christians to act as if they have the same standards, especially since even Christians have a hard time living up to them.

The Spirit of God can truly change people when people want to be transformed.

I find this so true.  I can remember arguing in chat rooms, forums, IRC Chats, AIM, etc about why people should believe what I believe.  While there is some obviously good reasons for sharing truth, I’ve learned that there is absolutely no reason to demand one to follow it, especially those who don’t believe in what Jesus did on the cross and have accepted that to be true. I think this quote goes beyond the homosexual issue, honestly. Eric, the original author writes:

Christians are known for who we hate rather than how we love. This moves us out of the conversation and polarizes those involved so quickly no progress can be made.

One thing I have been really learning is the importance of engaging the culture, standing firm in convictions and truths – not compromising, and in doing so not outright judging and condemning people. I think the church has done a horrible job at the hanging out and socializing part that Christ so clearly displayed throughout scripture.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying everyone or anyone specific in the church is at fault.  I’m just saying as a whole, I think we’ve done a pretty lousy job.

I know some of the stupidness I’ve done, I wish I could go back and correct it.